words from me

sometimes i really think im not ready for love, serious love. or maybe, the right way to say is i dont have much confident in love.

humans are all the same. when they dont have a partner, they yearn for one to care for them and love them.

when they have a partner, they yearn for the freedom they used to have when they are single, they complain about each other, they think in all sorts of negative ways like 'how nice would it be if im single now', etc.

but somehow, when their partner leaves them, they start to regret, regret not treasuring them, regret not treating them better, regret in everything but its all too late cus their partner is gone.

i admit im just like other human beings. i feel this way too BUT i dont wanna end up like other people regretting after letting their partner go. i dont wanna give up someone who truly loves me like no tomorrow. its my blessing to be able to have him.

i realised something. actually God is fair to everybody. everytime he gives you something, he will sure take away something from you. God gave me my baby and he took away my freedom. i can only choose either one and i chose to have my baby. i know it myself that this is the choice that i wont regret. i'll only regret if i really let him go.

there's this chinese saying which goes like this; 不在乎天長地久 只在乎曾經擁有. sad to say, i dont agree to it. 我要的不只是曾經擁有, 我要的是真的天長地久. recently ive been telling baby im scared that we wont have any future next time, im scared that we go through so much and in the end the ending is not what we want. im so scared is all cus i cant afford to fail this relationship. i want us to be really 天長地久. im not contented to have him for now only! i want to have him forever, i want our dreams to come true. i cant imagine my days all alone, without him by my side anymore. this relationship is my everything. this time round, we have to succeed. we need to have our happie ending. i told him but he doesnt seems to understand. i dont know how to tell him the urge of having him forever with me, i dont know how to make him understand what im trying to tell him. i hope he really understand what im trying to say.

the feeling is really fantastic when you know someone is always there to care for you and love you. its beyond what normal words can say. i admit i dont know love at all. i need more time to really understand and know what love is all about. baby knows what love is all about and i need him to guide me, to let me know what exactly love is. i know its hard on him to be together with a small kid who know nuts about love and constantly make him angry and need him to preach about what love exactly is. i know, i know, i know.

its just like he's the teacher and im his student now. i still have lots to learn from him thou i know his patience is limited. i know im stupid and slow but i just hope he can have abit more patience towards me and dont give up teaching me cus i really doesnt wanna give up. young children will easily get attached to the teacher who teaches them everyday and doesnt wanna have a change in teachers. im just like a small kid now. i dont want other teachers to teach me, all i want is the teacher im having now.

whats my purpose of this entry? i made him upset AGAIN just now and i reflected on how i treated him just now which i think is totally wrong. i totally admit is my fault. i just wanna say sorry, say a zillion times of sorry to him. i should have understand him, understand his feelings. i should have understand that he just wish to be with me forever, thats why he's like this. i just dont wish to lose him. i realised my mistake, im wrong to treat him like this. i promise myself i must treat him better. i must.

its our 11th month together today.
happie 11th month anniversary mr ong! i love you baby! :D

i know. its our old picture and so it means that its time we take some new pictures for show. LOL! i will force him to take tons of pictures with me the next time. :D

happie 22nd birthday baby!

I MISS THIS GIRL LARS!! when are we meeting up again? when are we going to take tons and tons of lovely pictures again? i hope we can meet up real soon. i miss all the chit-chatting and singing sessions with you!!! meet up soon okay bestie? =)



i owe this stupid guy a treat for months already. =X he's been asking me out but i always cant make it. sorry sister! LOL!

yesterday was a special day. a special day for me and baby. its baby's 22nd birthday and its a special day for me cus its my first time spending his birthday with him. i didnt give him a grand celebration and i didnt give him anything due to some personal reaons. i feel so bad lars! hais. a million sorries are also not enough to tell him how bad i feel. =(

i met him up for dinner and movie and i spent some time with him at his house. thou the night we spent was very simple but im very happie :D we were laughing and joking most of the time and its been ages since i last saw baby laughing so happily. (: seeing him so happie makes me really happie too! sometimes i cant help but find him crazy after too much laughing. HAHAHAS! anyway, i totally enjoyed being with him! he's my everything! xD

this coming thursday is our 11 months! time passed so fast! we've been together for 11 months and i always feel as if we've been together for years already. LOL! i love him so muchhhhhh! :D

office job interview

went for an office job interview this afternoon. its yue e aunty who introduced this job to me so she brought me to the company. went to her office at beauty world to fill in the interview form first. after that she drove me down to the company.

the interview wasnt that bad. i think i can consider myself lucky cus until now all the jobs that i went before for interviews were successful including this one. LOL! anyway, from the way yue e aunty first told me about the job scope, i thought its an rather easy job but after the manager told me more about what they are doing, i realised its not easy at all.

he asked me quite a number of questions and when he knows that im a preschool teacher, he laughed and said "wah, you very patient ar, hen you ai xin ar." LOL! and when he knows that im 19, he said "wahh. ni hen nian qing ar, cai 19 sui!" LOL! anyway, he explained what my job scope is to me which sounds rather interesting. hehes. im supposed to represent my company to attend meetings everyday with the company's customers, explain the procedures and operations to them, answering all their enquiries and then when i get back to my company, im supposed to tell my colleagues and manager what their customers need and want. except for attending meetings, i need to send and reply emails sent by customers. thats about it.

then the manager said "you cannot be shy to attend the meetings cus need to tell our customers things, etc. and i think you shouldnt have any problem in this cus you are a teacher so just TREAT THEM AS KIDS AND YOU ARE TEACHING LORS! HAHAS!" zZz. this manager sure knows how to joke. LOL! then at the end of the interview, he said "im interested in hiring you and i think you will have no problem in this job but i dont wish you to work as a temporary staff. i hope you can stay long here, so you think about it and tell yue e aunty your decision." i told him i'll still go back to my line cus i just wanna find a temporary job to work now thats why he asked me to consider.

then yue e aunty said she wanna go hospital visit my uncle so i went there with her again. after visiting him, she sent me home.

mr chew! i know you are angry that the outing is cancelled today, im sorry kaes. i dont mean to cancel it de. next time i'll sure go de okay! i promise! sorry to make you skip your basketball training for nothing. sorry sorry! =(

baby said alot of things to me yesterday. =) im glad that our relationship is finally progressing to the next stage. SO HAPPIE! xDD and i know he will give me happiness de. (: i love him so much!

im sorry...

好痛苦, 真的好痛苦.

眼淚就像水龍頭的水一樣, 一直流, 一直流. 從來就沒停過. 我不停的哭, 以為哭過以後就沒事了但是, 我錯了. 心裡還是一樣的難受, 一樣的難過.

我真的很想告訴他我心裡其實也不好受. 我很想關心他, 很想告訴他我真的很愛他, 看到他這樣我真的真的很心痛. 我的心比誰都還要痛. 可是, 我就是說不出口.

好內疚, 真的好內疚. 每次他對我好, 對我的關心越多, 我就越討厭自己. 真的很討厭自己. 我欠他好多好多. 他總是願意為我付出那麼多, 我呢? 我到底為他做過些什麼? 答案是什麼都沒有.

我真的很想念他. 好想好想他. 可是, 我卻害怕看到他, 害怕面對他. 不是因為怕他對我不好而是害怕他對我太好. 我已經覺得自己是世界上最沒用的女朋友了, 我那裡還有臉面對他?

以前的我總是那麼任性, 那麼大小姐, 一直認為我對他夠好了, 是他一直不懂得我對他的好. 可是, 現在我才發現他為我, 為這段感情付出的比我多出太多了. 我還一直傷害他, 一直弄他生氣. 我好過份, 真的太過份了.

他罵我自私, 罵對了. 我真的好自私. 我不能在那麼任性了. 是時候到我為他付出了.

我不想在看到他那麼傷心, 那麼難過了. 我想給他快樂, 我是真的想和他永遠在一起, 不想失去他.

哭了一天一夜, 相通了.

speedy recovery for my uncle

my mum woke me up today and said she wanted to go hospital to visit my xiaoQ cus he had a fall and wanted me to accompany her. so i went with her and saw vivian over there. my uncle looked fine to me. i hope is nothing serious and that he can recover soon.

the thing that i hate about alexandra hospital is that stupid head nurse. she's such a nag lors! kept chasing us home cus the visiting hours are over. i dont see this happening at other hospitals. whats more we are not outsiders lors, why cant we just stay there awhile more when we just reached not long? somemore we reached there at like 3 plus when the visiting hours are already over at 2? so why in the first place they let us in then? so stupid!

and i find that the doctor which i dont know whether he is new or under training seemed weird to me. LOL! he is so gentle and so much looked like a sissy or maybe not so kua zhang but he definitely looked funny while explaining! LOL! so many weird people in that hospital! hahas. and i told my mum that the outside of the ward looks like a children's ward to me cus of the cute cute paintings on the wall. LOL!

oh yar! and vivian mentioned that the toilet has a 'beautiful' name called the de-stress place just right outside the toilet! isnt this funny? you build a place right outside the toilet and name it the de-stress place? wont people find it disgusting to sit down there and 'de-stress'? LOL!! this hospital is just weird weird weird!

im glad that vivian still appears fine and positive to me. =)
vivian, i know this is definitely making you worry and everything but im sure uncle will be fine. and, dont hesitate to find me if you need someone to talk to cus we are yi jia ren, one family. LOL! (: JIAYOU OKAY!!! i love you too! xD

and and and! a very stupid thing happened to me on the bus on the way to the hospital. there was this bunch of ngee ann poly guys i suppose sitting behind me on the bus talking VERY loudly about GIRLS and HOW HANDSOME THEY THINK THE ARE! they were discussing about snatching other people's girlfriends, having fun fooling around with girls and they are treating the girls that they know as toys! and i was so angry with a particular sentence a guy said.

A: so you dont like XXX ar?
B: she got boyfriend already lehs.
A: SO WHAT? SHE'S NOT MARRIED WHAT, WHY CANNOT GET NEAR HER?

wth! whats wrong with these guys? totally OMG! OMG is the only word i can describe them! AND! they were so arrogant saying how handsome they looked and etc! so what if they are really quite good-looking? LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING! their character totally sucks! i wont be so angry if they didnt provoke me. i'll just treat it as i heard some 'nice' stories and forget all about it when i drop off BUT, they tried to get my number from me! SUPER ANNOYING!!!

A: ehh.. you dare to get her number anot?
B: you want ar?
A: you sit nearer to her, you ask lars!
B: ask C to ask lars.
A: C sit so far! he cant ask lars!
B: you ask lars! you ask number from alot of girls before right?
A: you sit nearer to her what! cannot help me is it? you dont dare is it?
B: okay lars!

so, guess what? the B passed me his handphone and said "hi, can i have your number please?" i wanted to ignore him and treat it as nothing happen but then again, i totally detests them so much that i wish to give them a lesson so guess what? i keyed in BABY'S HANDPHONE NUMBER! LOL! and they still happily asked me whats my name. LOL! i cant wait for them to contact baby so they will get a scolding from him. these kinda guys really need people to teach them a lesson lors! they are treating girls like toys which can be played around! I HATE SUCH GUYS! im definitely not someone they think they can play with or have fun with! bloody hell!

anyway, went to meet baby after i left the hospital. its been 4 days i last seen him lors! i miss him so much!!! recently i kinda find that baby has changed. this change is good but it seems as thou its not real. he seems to care about me alot more than last time. im not saying he dont care about me last time but i mean he's paying more attention on me recently. i feel so protected by him recently and i feel good. :) but it doesnt seem real cus last time... he's not like this. he suddenly became like this this week which made me feel weird yet good. LOL! i hope im not dreaming.

i told him i wanna go beach tomorrow and i hope we can really go! xD

the question

i still miss my baobei very much. =( regret is all i can do now. hais.

baby: will you marry me?
me: *happie for awhile* of course! xD
baby: are you serious?
me: yes!

baby asked me this question just now. :) im not sure if he's half asleep or really sober like what he claimed but nevertheless, im still happie deep down in my heart cus i know he's serious in me. i love him so much! =)

i seriously dont know when will be the big day when i can really step into the ROM and exchange vows with him and being loudly announced to the whole world that we are officially husband and wife. however, im really looking forward to this day and i hope what he says will come true. that is, we can make this happen now.

i cant wait to spend my everyday with him! (: so what if we are only together for 10 months? some people can be together for 10 years and yet still dont have the feeling of getting married. it all lies in whether you found the right one anot. i strongly believe that ive found the right one who belongs to me and just me only. xD

i dreamt of finding my bai ma wang zi, getting married happily and have a happie family of my own and it seems like my dream is not far from me. im so happie, really so happie! (:(:(:

i cant wait to have babies! LOL! i cant wait to have a happie family of my own! i wanna give all my best to my children next time and i never wanna let them suffer like how im suffering now. i wanna be the best mommy and wife to my family next time. and, im already wondering if my child will be as cute as dexter or giselle. i think they will cus baby and i both have good genes! HAHAHAS! im day-dreaming again. LOL!

it all seems so perfect, isnt it? xD thou im facing some problems now but im now too happie to be bothered by my stupid problems. my problems are just temporary. i will get through them for sure! i definitely will. =)

IM SO HAPPIE!!! =DDD

i miss my baobei

i miss my baobei. i really miss my baobei so much so much.

been looking at baobei's photo and my tears are all over my face. i want my baobei back... if i can have him back, i dont want any other things anymore. i just want my baobei to be back into my life.

how i wish i can turn back time. regrets. full of regrets. i actually rejected the best gift that i can ever receive on my birthday. what am i doing?

i made baby upset again just now. sometimes i really think that im so foolish. i must be crazy to have said those things to him just now. i just wanna say, baby im sorry...

i love you!

changed skin again cus i feel like changing it.

i cant get to sleep for the past few days for i dont know why. everytime i close my eyes, i'll think of my baby. i'll think of everything he did for me, everything we went through, the quarrels and arguments we had, the happie and sweet moments we shared, the tears both of us shed and so much more things.

sometimes i really feel that we have a very strong bond with each other cus we can share the same thoughts with each other without telling each other what we are actually thinking. just like how he and i both think about us for the past 2 days. this feeling is so magical. it doesnt only happen just once, it happened alot of times! ive never feel this way before.

i didnt tell him we are actually thinking about the same thing these 2 days but i actually have the urge to tell him just now. i was already smiling in my heart when he told me he was thinking about us. i could really feel that we are together as one at that moment just now. =)

i have a strong feeling of getting married with him, now. this feeling is indescribable. when you are so in love with someone and you really feel like being with him every single day, perhaps you can feel what im feeling now. how i wish i can officially be mrs ong now.

but im just day-dreaming again. all that will never happen to me now. how i wish my 2 years will be here in just a blink of eye. hais.

im really glad that God gave this wonderful gift to me. im really really happie, really really contented with him. he asked me whether ive declare my love for him to everybody before. i think i did but nevertheless, i feel like doing it again. xD

i LOVE my mr ong! (:(:(:

i love you, is not even enough to express how much i really feel for him. (:

3rd time blogging in a day

went causeway point to meet baby for dinner just now. we had our dinner, walked around and then we went to the uk funfair. we just went in and see, didnt play. wahh! im so tempted to play the rides lors. it seems so fun seeing others playing the rides. i also wanna play! xD then baby sent me home after that. im starting to miss him already... hais. he's right. how nice it will be if we are staying together... day-dreaming again. LOL!

was thinking about what hairstyle to cut and i thought of two options. one, is to go to the salon that my auntie opened and let her try the new method of perming hair FOR FREE. she just called me up the other day and asked me whether i wanna perm my hair cus she wanna try the new method or whatsoever for that. to put it in a not-so-nice way, she's trying to ask me to be her guinea pig lars. and she said if the outcome is nice, she wants to put my photo outside her shop for display. wth? i told her i'll think about it and call her back. i dont want my face to appear in a public place lars and im scared about the outcome.

two, is to CUT SHORT HAIR! was telling vivian yesterday that i suddenly have the urge to cut short hair and she encouraged me to do it cus she said its been sometime since she last saw me with short hair. the last time i cut short hair is like 2 years ago? the outcome is not so bad lars. but this time round, the kind of short hair i wanna cut is real short. im scared i'll regret after that and miss my long hair. LOL!

but then again, i was thinking to change hairstyle next year cus im gonna be 20 years old! the first year of becoming an adult! xD no more teen behind my age already! xP should have a change in hairstyle to celebrate for it! LOL!

so troubled by my hair lars! anyway, yuxiang msn-ed me just now.
yx: hey. im doing a project on some film production. i need people to act in it. you interested?
me: huh? then why find me?
yx: i see your dps[display pics] alot of times and i kinda find that you quite shang jing lors. anyway, its only a project so only my classmates and lecturers will see lors. hahas.
me: LOL! dont want lars. dont find me lars. i cannot act one.
yx: you can try...
me: sorry but im really not interested lors. =)

dont you find it so funny? i find it hilarious. cant believe someone asked me interested in acting anot. LOL! anyway, the main thing is im not close with him at all! we are just like hi-bye friends in msn lors.

shall stop here first.

pictures

i guess i should blog some happie things after so long.

went out with hankee to town yesterday. been meeting her quite alot recently. hehes. we shopped around and took many many pictures! hahas. and ive to mention she's mad about donut house de donut box. LOL! i bought donuts for baby and she was so fascinated by the box and she said she dont mind carrying it for me cus its very cute. LOL!!!

then we took alot of pictures!



she took my backview. thou its blur but i kinda love this cus it seems artistic. hehes. xD



2nd take. clearer, nicer? =) anyway, it seems like im quite tall in the picture but im only 1.6m tall!!! people always thought im like 1.65m tall? LOL!









thats all. =) had a great day with her! anyway, i seriously need a haircut soon! i cant stand my hair anymore. its driving me crazy! its messy and ugly. arghh!

what am i doing?

why did i agree with him time and time again when i already know what i want? why am i allowing myself to drag this on and on till infinity? why am i always saying something that doesnt tally with what my head says? what am i doing?

i gave in to him, again. friends keep telling me to ignore him, to be hardhearted to end everything once and for all so none of us need to suffer. hankee asked me if i can be hardhearted to really let go and end everything once and for all.

i didnt answer her. this is my longest relationship and of course i do feel something going through so much with him. if you were to ask me to be hardhearted and let go like this, i can tell you its a firm no. i cant do it. blame it on my softhearted-ness. i just cant bring myself to ignore him. maybe cus i really love him alot.

i tried. i did try my very best to ignore whatever he says and stand firm to what my head says. but everytime i do this, it actually hurts me so much to see him persuading me and begging me and all sorts of other things till i teared, silently without him knowing. and then, i'll go all soft on him and agree with whatever he says. my head can never win my heart. my heart always have the final say in everything. i guess this is what a piscesean is, this is me.

people always say when it comes to relationship, listen to what your heart says instead of your head cus its your heart that decides who you love and not your head that tells you who to love. very very true.

i cant control myself. i just love him, too much. i love him so much till the extent that i no longer care about what he have or what he is. i just wanna be happie with him thats all. i can give him everything i have for him to survive. i dont care. even if you say this is buying his happiness, i also dont care. i just dont want him to be bothered by this every single day. i want us to be happie, as simple as that.

i said hankee was love poisoned by the guy that she love and i guess the same goes to me too. im love poisoned by my guy too and the only way to save me is him. he is the only antidote to this poison. hais. wo zhong du tai shen le. nobody can help me anymore.

i guess i should really be good and listen to my heart this time round.

unavailable

changed my skin cus im sick of seeing pink, pink and more pink.

im still together with him. im still attached to him. why is everybody asking me whether im still attached anot? no need to guess, no need to ask me anything. i dont wish to let unknown people know so much about me. all you people need to know is i am unavailable. so what if im single now? im still unavailable okay.

i dont understand. maybe i understand. its hard to read his mind and its hard to feel his heart. all he need to know is i dont mind anything and im still happie. he said so much to me. i said nothing to him. im not good with words and i dont wish to say the wrong things and hurt him again so i chose to keep quiet.

i dont know how to make him understand how i feel about the whole situation. it seems like no matter how much i tried to make him understand, he still cant understand. maybe i should just accept what his mind is thinking now. well, unhappie may for you and unhappie may for me too. maybe you will feel better that someone is spending your so-called unhappie may with you, unhappily too.

its over

its finally over.

i feel so guilty. tears dropping like raindrops.

i cant believe i actually did something like this.

ive sinned terribly this time round. im a big sinner.

i know its meant to be mine, supposed to be ours.

but all cus of my selfishness... i chose this path.

i hate myself for being born in this family.

i hate myself for having so much difficulties.

i know its unfair... i know its cruel.

i know im just way too selfish for thinking for my own self.

i cant help but hate myself so much so much.

since when did i become so cruel that i dont even know?

am i going to get depression?

everything is over but why am i still feeling as down as ever?

everybody please hate me. at least i'll feel better this way.

baby, im sorry. im really sorry for choosing this path. are you going to hate me? even if you do, i wont blame you cus even i cant help but hate myself now. i know you are bothered that you have nothing left anymore. i promised i'll pay you back everything. just give me some time to recover from everything. no matter what, i love you very much still. ive long accepted the fact that its fate that brought us together and its predestined that things happen. you are right. everything is fated. you, me and it. its fate.