i finally saw it today

mixed emotions inside me now.

so many things to say, all cant be said. so many............. i feel really terrible inside me, so terrible that i dont know what to do. i feel that im really going crazy soon. i need people to counsel me, i need people to let me feel that they are there with me. im going to get depression if this goes on. i need H-E-L-P.

im struggling to come up with my answer in less than 24 hours.

both yes and no are gonna make a huge change in my life. a really H-U-G-E one.

i looked at my divination lot again and again just now. i finally understand what is it trying to tell me.

ive been having this bad feeling in me that something bad is gonna happen. i dont feel good. i feel so insecure, im scared. something bad is gonna happen on me? am i going to die or what?

i think i better stop typing anymore. im going crazy soon.

divination lot

met up with hankee again today. we had lunch at fish and co. and spent an hour plus there, chit-chatting. chatted about relationships most of the time. so funny! hahas.

then she brought me to the temple at bugis street to pray. this is my first time going to a temple without my parents. so, obviously i dont know the procedures at all. she told me what to do step by step. LOL. then we both went in to get a divination lot. and the result turns out to be a bad one. kinda expected right? the lot says no matter what i do, everything will turn out badly. its best that i should stay put like this and wait for the rain to go away cus even if i seek help or seek for advice, it wont be of any use at all. when the sun starts to shine, everything will then be fine for me again. the lot is asking me to sit back, relax and dont bother to do anything. i cant believe it.

im so bothered by what the lot says after that. ive been thinking and thinking about what is this lot trying to hint me. am i supposed to let things happen naturally like this? or is it trying to tell me no matter what i do now is futile cus the rain is not gonna stop yet?

hankee was asking me whether i really believe in it anot, i said yes, definitely. come to this kinda thing, i believe its all predestined. i guess my destiny is supposed to be like this ba. anyway, im gonna go back again a few weeks later to see how things goes.

my friend is telling me i shouldnt be so rash to make the decision now cus what i need now is him. i need him? the question is, is he there for me to reach him? after being together with him for so long, ive learnt to be more independent rather than dependent. it seems like im always facing everything myself, alone. problems that ive never encounter before, im facing them all by myself. at times when i feel so insecure with everything, at times when i feel so scared about everything, where is he? im only 19 and i have to face something other 19yrolds wont. i dont have the ability to carry everything myself. i will also feel scared and lost. with him around is just like without him around. its the same to me.

fen kai shi hao de

after ive been through so much all this while, ive finally see certain things in life in a clearer view now.

you know what is the one thing girls hate about guys? guys that give empty promises. even if its just a small little thing that the guy forgets, the girl still minds. i didnt blame him cus he got school. fine. then dont give me false hope, dont tell me this and in the end, you gave me that. its not the first time already. but its the first time somebody treated me like this. disappointed. utterly disappointed.

if its something good, he does it. if its something bad, i do it. did he ever think for me, that im a girl and yet i have to do those things? i dont see other couples like us. if its not for him, i wont even need to do all those things and if its not for him, i will NEVER need to do those things.

you know what i need now? i dont need sympathy, i dont need people to pity me. all i need is the one who plays a part in this matter, him. where is he? somewhere out there where i cant reach. i start to feel that we are growing further and further apart from each other. the more i hang out with him, the more i start to hate him.

he need me all cus he need me to accompany him so he wont feel lonely, thats all. he need me cus he wants to be happie himself, thats all. did he ever think about what i really want? did he ever think about ME when he's happily enjoying himself away? sometimes i cant help but think that he's so scary, so scary that i dont even dare to go near him. i never know that a guy can be like this. he's not giving me the respect that i need.

i realised i cant be like this anymore. i need a break. i need a long long break from him, from everything. i need a breakup. i need a space to breathe.

i did him wrong. he did me wrong too. we are fair and square. im certain this time round. my mind is made up. i need a new life. a new life without him...

im feeling so terrible.. tears keep flowing, keep flowing and flowing... it seems like its not gonna stop..

thanks my dear friend!

PISCES - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of
attention. High appeal. Has the last
word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun
to be around.Extremely weird but
in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!!
Thoughtful. Always gets what he
or she wants. Loves to joke. Very
popular. Silly, fun and sweet.

my friend sent me this through msn and he said "wow! your bf found himself a 'partner for life' lehs! but quite true lars cus last time you always help me do hw and got alot of rumours in sch ar!!! LOL!" zZz. DOTS lars him! stupid. LOL! but the list sounds quite true huh? hahas. i know im thick-skinned. =X

anyway, was out with hankee today. like finally, we met up. its been ages since we last met up. but so coincidentally, i bumped into her twice at town previously! fate eh? =) chatted a hell lotsa things with her, from the train to the shops to the streets, non-stop. LOL! she bought her jeans and we each bought a teeshirt. i told her i wanna go back again and buy somemore. LOL!

something happened to me on the way and she took good care of me. :) she offered me her water, sweets and tissue. hahas. she was frantically holding on to me, finding a place for me to sit down and rest. she almost named out all the restaurants in bugis for me to decide what i wanna eat. LOL!

so, we settled down at yoshinoya and after which we walked around bugis again before we part off. went to meet baby for dinner and went home.

was really very glad that the one beside me today was hankee and not somebody else. =X ahh! i saw pamela at bugis too. so qiao eh. talking about pamela... reminds me of the olden days...

friend, you know i dont know how to sweet-talk one okay. =X so i also dont know what nice words to tell you but really thanks alot today! :) thou they are just small little actions/gestures of yours, but still, if dont have you, i think i'll just stay at bugis street and die already =X and and and!!! you better pray hard what you scare me is not true okay!!! =) lets meet up soon again some day!! after your class okay? xD

recently got so many long tags. so i better reply them here. actually am kinda sick and lazy of having a tagboard. sick of reading comments, lazy of replying them. was thinking if i should remove it?

to callie: erms. not really dis way lars. the whole story is very complicated. also dont know how to tell you. maybe i'll tell you someday in msn lors.

to sueping: except for thanks, thanks and thanks, what else can i say to you? =)

to yvette: i never ever judge her love for me. i know she loves me but i think i need some space on my own ba. i guess we both have the same kinda parents but the only difference is you are the only child and im not, so maybe im a little bit better than you in some sense.

to Gal: i never blame my mum. i just want her to understand thats all. you are right. im still young. i shouldnt put in so much in a relationship cus i might get hurt in the end. i did thought about what you said. maybe... its really not time for me to be in a relationship now ba. thanks for your advice. =)

anybody got avril lavigne's "when youre gone"? i want this song! someone please send to me if you have it. thanks. =)

i just want some understanding

i talked to my mum this afternoon. i cant believe she's just like my dad. okay, maybe a little bit better than him but to me, she and him makes no difference at all! she dont understand what i want and what i need. is she trying to tell me i should make a choice out of the two? what nonsense is this?

how can you be so selfish? are you going to be happie if im left on the shelf for the rest of my life? i thought as a parent, you should feel happie that your child found someone who can take care of her for life and not stopping her from finding her happiness? i know the words i said to you might hurt you but i think im right. whether or not you agree with me, i think you should think about what i said.

changes are all part of growing up. sudden changes like this are also part of growing up. im old enough to have a boyfriend and since i have one now, whether you like it or not you have to accept the changes that are happening now. since you've already realised that ive been like this for almost a year, you should also realise that things are gonna be like this for as long as im with him. if my life is still the same as last time when im single, then whats the difference of having a boyfriend and not having one? i know you are still not used to the changes that are happening now but sad to say, you have to get used to it.

i just dont understand why are they both so unhappie about me having a boyfriend whereas other parents are so happie for their children when they have someone they love. im 19 19 19 already. 2 more years and im turning 21! how long more are you going to restrict me? maybe the word restrict is too over, i mean control me? why dont i see other people who is of my age like me? if i dont have a boyfriend and im doing all those things now, you scold me, i wont even retaliate. but i do have a boyfriend now and since you also know its going to a year already then why are you still so bothered by this?

i know you worry about me cus im a girl. you're scared i'll get cheated and you're scared i dont know what im doing. i accept all this facts that you worry about me but sometimes all i ask for is just some understanding from both of you. i guess im old enough to have my own space and freedom to do what i wanna do. you cant just treat me like im still the 10 years old kid 9 years ago who need you to fetch me to and fro from school.

mummy, you know i really love you alot. i know you love me alot too. ive always want to be the good girl you want me to be and i swear ive promised myself to be filial to you next time when you grow old. i know its hard on you all these years and i know you must be very heartbroken now to hear all those words that i said. im sorry. im really sorry. i never feel that i've let you down in anything but this time, i really feel that i've let you down. i made alot of mistakes. mistakes that you will never forgive me. im no longer the good girl that you thought i am. and i can never be the good girl that you want me to be anymore. if you want me to make a choice, i wont and i cant! both are important to me. ive been through way too much with him and ive put in everything that i should in this relationship plus im really serious and having high hopes on him this time round. i just cant say back out like this. you should feel happie for me that i found my happiness isnt it? please understand. not giving up on him doesnt mean im giving up on this family. you know i cant. i love you and didi way too much already. moving out doesnt mean im giving up on you. i just want some space on my own. maybe in this way, both of us can see things in a clearer view.

updates

things for me are still the same. not a single change at all. not happie at all. some days happie, some days unhappie. it all seems like a habit to me already. even looking for a job to me is hard now, not cus i dont want to but i cant! i cant even work a permanent job for now due to some personal problems. what the fuck am i doing? why am i still acting as if everything is alright? why is he telling me everything will be alright when he knows it wont be? i wish i can be like what sueping said, leave this stupid problem aside and treat it as if it dont exists at all but i cant!!! time is running out for me. how long more can i wait and pray for miracle to happen? 1 month? 2 months? FUCK.

again the topic is now back on my parents. i had enough of living in my so called home anymore. how long more am i going to tolerate all their nonsense? how long more am i going to live here? another 2 more years when i reach 21? cus thats when i can make my own decisions to move out of the house? 2 years... to me is very fucking long. how can i ever tolerate them for another 2 years? move out now cannot. continue staying here also cannot. then what can i do?! FUCK.

its been 1 month since i last blog about happie stuffs already. its been more than a month since im last really happie. wtf?! i dont ever think i will be happie anymore. IM DEAD! im no longer the happie-go-lucky joanne anymore. there's tons and tons and tons and tons and tons of stupid bloody problems for me to worry about. i totally had enough of problems please. its not as if im some genius that can solve all the problems coming towards me. how long more can i hold on? how long more can i still act strong, act as if nothing happen? FUCK!

why is my life becoming so dull now? whats wrong? whats going on? i need enlightenments please. someone please just come and help me. say something that can really enlighten me NOW! say something which can really trigger me to know what to do and which path i should take NOW! God, please just come into my dream and tell me what to do now. im lost, totally lost now.

anyway, im really so happie for my dearest vivian. she's got herself a very very wonderful boyfriend on a very very special and wonderful day! LOL! i really hope she will be very xing fu from now onwards which i believe she will. xD

when my guesses become right...

it has proven that my guess is right. and im so gonna be dead. i bought aspirin today. i looked at the tablets and so much have the urge to swallow everything down at one go. maybe im mad, maybe i dont cherish my life anymore... or i should say i find my life totally meaningless now.

its already end of march and here i am, still at the downside of my life. when am i going to have my ups again? can i ever get though this obstacle now? what if i cant? should i just commit suicide? many a times, i looked up into the sky and find myself so small and so useless. does it even matter if im no longer alive? you may say people who cares for me will be heartbroken, devastated, sad or whatever negative words you can think of. but isnt time the best medicine? half a year down the road or even less than that, all the sadness that you have in you will be gone. slowly, everyone will just get on with their lives and forget all about me. forget that they once know someone called joanne, forget who is joanne anymore.

im not trying to be emo or negative now. but whatever that im going through now is something that nobody around me can ever think that it will happen on me. i cant blame anyone. yes, i hurt baby with my harsh words, i put all the blame on him but at the end of the day, i still blame back myself. how can i bear to blame him? but i just need someone to listen to my frustrations and all the feelings i had in me, thats all. i dont mean to hurt him, i dont mean to disappoint him. its just that i dont know how to tell him how bad and scared i feel inside me.

many a times, i tell myself not to hurt baby anymore. not to be so bad towards him anymore but i dont know why i just cant control myself. i ought to be punished for this. everytime i hurt him, he will pay me back by treating me even better. i feel so terrible in me. so terrible that even a sorry isnt enough to express how sorry am i. all i can do is to scold myself hard and then cry myself to sleep every night. im so used to crying to sleep every night already. when are all these gonna stop?

my didi once told me he wont give up in loving his exgf thou they broke up already. he said no matter how hard it is, he will still hang on tight to her not cus he dont find himself irritating, not cus he is thick-skinned. its all cus he love her alot and cant just say give up like this. compared to him, i feel so ashamed of myself. he is only 16 and yet he has all the courage to hold on to something that he really fancies. what about me? im already 19 and yet all i know is to give up whenever something happens. i hate myself. i hate myself for being like this.

ive let baby down. i did so many wrong things towards him. 9 months already. my attitude towards him each day is getting from bad to worse. he is right. im not like this. i dont used to be like this. he said when he first know me, im not like this. why am i like this now? everytime i asked myself this, the only answer i get from myself is crying. i wrote him 4 letters from january till now but i didnt give any of them to him all cus i dont have the courage to do so. everytime i write him a letter, it takes me days to consider giving it to him and im afraid of facing him after he read my letter. im scared. im afraid of what he will say. im afraid of what he will think. so, in the end i didnt give any of them to him. i start to find that the letters i wrote to him are accumulating to become a diary.

i really dont know can i ever get through this obstacle now and im really very afraid but i will try my best and if i really cant get through... maybe i will just die like this. i used to dont understand why those students will commit suicide when they didnt get the good results that their parents want them to but now i totally understand why they choose to die. its the stress that their family gave them that made them afraid of facing the consequences that they need to face. the same goes to me..